$10,000 reward offered for African grey that speaks with a strong New Yoik accent. How you doin’, Mr Parrot?
Woman taken off flight in Italy after refusing to move her toy crocodile. It’s important to stand up for your principles.
My Penis is a Mountain: Opera Singer’s Mistake in Singing Croatian National Anthem Helps the Team “Rise to the Occassion”
What’s funnier, the fact that English opera singer Tony Henry mistakenly said “My Penis is a Mountain” while singing the Croatian National Anthem? Or the fact that Croatia ended up defeating England and that BBC had to write “rose to the occasion”? Or Henry defending himself?
Croatia rose to the occasion in their crucial Euro 2008 defeat of England – after an apparent X-rated gaffe by an English opera singer at Wembley. Tony Henry belted out a version of the Croat anthem before the 80,000 crowd, but made a blunder at the end. He should have sung ‘Mila kuda si planina’ (which roughly means ‘You know my dear how we love your mountains’).
But he instead sang ‘Mila kura si planina’ which can be interpreted as ‘My dear, my penis is a mountain.’
Henry is becoming a cult hero in Croatia, but denies he played a part in England’s exit. “I can’t take the blame for that. The last thing I would do is brag about my parts like that – especially to make it so public,” said Henry.
Via the always entertaining BBC News.
Sometimes the stuff I read on Metro sounds like it came from the Weekly World News, but guess what? It’s all true. Or is it? Back in February they reported on a man who has sex with cars. That’s right. “In stunning news that will have wide ranging implications for many years to come, a man has been found who likes having sex with cars. The details of mechanic Chris Donald’s alleged romantic vehicular liaisons have been unearthed by (naturally) The Sun – who claim that in addition to a large number of cars, Mr Donald has also done the dirty with two boats and a jetski. (Read more) You can also check out Mr. Donald’s blog and instructional manual called “How to Make Love to a Car or Other Vehicle” which features some helpful hints like: “If you anthropomorphasize your 4 wheeled lover, it’s worth remembering that its a fantasy. A fun, sexy fantasy, but a emotional/sexual/mental construct. Despite my own enjoyment, a car isn’t actually a person. Except during sex LOL.” (Full article)
The Jaguar X class is supposedly his lover of choice.
OK so either it’s a joke or he’s a nutjob or both. Or maybe you can’t trust Metro and the Sun, but you can certainly trust the BBC, right? Drumroll please…
Bike sex man placed on probation (Via BBC News)
A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation. Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.
Sheriff Colin Miller also placed Stewart on the Sex Offenders Register for three years. Mr Stewart was caught in the act with his bicycle by cleaners in his bedroom at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr. Gail Davidson, prosecuting, told Ayr Sheriff Court: “They knocked on the door several times and there was no reply. “They used a master key to unlock the door and they then observed the accused wearing only a white t-shirt, naked from the waist down. “The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex.” Both cleaners, who were “extremely shocked”, told the hostel manager who called police. Sheriff Colin Miller told Stewart: “In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a ‘cycle-sexualist’.” Stewart had denied the offence, claiming it was caused by a misunderstanding after he had too much to drink.
I’m a bit speechless. First of all, why didn’t the car guy get arrested? Well, I’m just waitin for the next installment: MOTORCYCLE sex!
BTW, if anyone can please tell me where this insane photo is from I would apreciate it.
This is Snow White:
And THIS is lust, of Seven Deadly Sins fame:
You can of course open up the fetish roadmap and consult it’s position on what amputee porn is, or isn’t. But leave it to the Japanese perverts out there to actually invent an amputee sex doll. My knowledge of the Japanese language is rather limited, and I can’t read the alphabets at all but I think the pictures suffice.
Of course you porn connoisseurs may know that in the rocking and reeling 1970s, when everybody’s ass was up for grabs, certain paraphilias actually commanded respect and admiration – Bodiel Joensen was one example. Another one was “Long Jeanne Silver”, who I first read about in Adam Parfrey’s Apocalypse Culture books, before the interent was invented.
“Jeanne Silver, a pretty amputee, appeared in men’s magazines, and on San Francisco burlesque stages. She had the lower part of her left leg removed when she was a child. The remaining stump, extending several inches below her knee, is little more than bone covered with flesh. Director Alex DeRenzy uses the pseudo-documentary format to display Silver’s sexual habits. She fucks Amber Hunt during a threesome, impales two teenage students and even goes so far as to ram it up a homosexual’s ass. Long regarded as one of the more bizarre films of the 1970’s.” Here is Long Jeanne Silver and her other movies as well.
Now I really don’t know why this fetish is as popular as it is, and that is not to say that it is POPULAR but it’s certainly out there. I would imagine it has something to do with bondage and restraint and making the woman immobile and subservent. Want more, you sick fuck? Kidding. To each his own, I guess. Here’s some more amputee porn if that’s your ticket.
Each time I think I’ve seen it all in terms of what fetishes are out there, I inadvertantly see something that blows my mind. Luckily, Katharine Gates’ handy “Fetish Roadmap” can easily point me to the location of gas pedal pumping, which is somewhere right on the border between shoes, high heels, and “car” which is also related to crush freaks and cars stuck in mud, being stuck in quicksand, and “messy fun.” None of which makes any sense to me.
Who am I to judge, however, if all it takes to produce an erection is the sight of a woman’s shoe pushing down on the gas pedal? There seems to be quite a bit of content for this kind of stuff too!
Short, sweet and to the point. What else would one do if one had no penis. From the hilarious and bizarre comic strip Perry Bible Fellowship.
The whole modern primitive stuff is pretty much old hat as far as I’m concerned, as well as body piercing in general, which I don’t particularly care for. However, I could not take my eyes off this article I landed on about Doug Molloy, which was the pseudonym of a wealthy music executive named Richard Simonton. Or should I say, Muzak executive, for you see Dick/Doug was an executive at the eponymous elevator music corporation of the same name. A far cry from the musical tastes of most piercing fans. (Throbbing Gristle would be more a propos? But this was in the 1950s). Anyway it wasn’t invented by this guy:
But by this guy:
It gets weirder. Not only was he a mild mannered executive by day and a participant in gay bdsm culture by night, he also was great personal friends with silent movie star Harold Lloyd and a huge aficionado of theater organ music. All was going fine for Doug with his homosexuality an open secret with his family and friends and he got along jolly with his Toluca Lake neighbors such as Bob Hope, Olivia de Haviland and Walt Disney’s brother Roy.
And then… “he sustained brain damage from an event which nearly killed him.” And so he began piercing his dick, balls, taint, etc. and writing his very short autobiography “The Adventures of a Piercing Freak.” So there you have the unflattering truth for all you modern primitives out there. Gratuitous body modification was invented by a closeted, gay, muzak executive after he suffered brain damage.
And like Liberace, it’s probably safe to say that he was great on the piano but sucked on the organ.
The owner of a restaurant named after Adolf Hitler said Thursday he will change its name because it angered so many people. Puneet Sablok said he would remove Hitler’s name and the Nazi swastika from billboards and the menu. He had said the restaurant’s name — “Hitler’s Cross” — and symbols were only meant to attract attention.
Sablok made the decision after meeting with members of Bombay’s small Jewish community. “Once they told me how upset they were with the name, I decided to change it,” he said. “I don’t want to do business by hurting people.” Sablok said he had not yet decided on a new name. Hitler’s Cross opened five days ago and serves pizza, salad and pastries in Navi Mumbai, a suburb of Bombay, also known as Mumbai.”
OK while I’m all in favour of a Hitler themed restaurant it took me a second to realize that their menu options did not reflect Teutonic cuisine such as Wurst, Spaetzl, Wienerschnitzel and Sauerbraten. Then I realized that Hitler was a vegan just like the majority of Hindoos. Since he served pizza, perhaps the next name should be “Tea With Mussolini”?
More wacky, funny stuff that’s all Hitler and Nazi related is at the terrific Hitleriffic!
Who says “globalization” that most meaningless and pathetic of terms, doesn’t work both ways? OK we sell Coca Cola to Africans, and they bring us 419 scammers and now, after a long wait… Jenkem!
Apparently fermented feces and urine is becoming very popular among high school campuses across the states. Another fine export from a dying continent that refuses to die but somehow continues to fester.
According to an Information Bulletin from the Collier County Sheriff’s Office in Naples, Fla., youngsters in Florida may be using human waste to get high.The county’s Criminal Intelligence Bureau has issued a report that “several students at Palmetto Ridge High school are experimenting with a new drug called “Jenkem”
Got Jenkem? I wouldn’t be surprised if Gangsta Rappers start promoting it, and why not? They’re the ones who are talking about the man putting them down, even after long and hard battles and struggles to achieve civil rights and equal footing with whites. The result? They end up calling each other “nigger” and make millions of dollars from it. If this is the freedom they fought for, why the fight in the first place?
Smell it up, son!
Here’s the full jenkem bulletin.
USA Today reports that a biologist died in Arizona today because of “the plague.”
An Arizona-based wildlife biologist likely died of the plague, officials from Grand Canyon National Park announced on Friday. Autopsy reports for Eric York, a 37-year-old wildlife biologist for the National Park Service, showed that he had plague in his body. Officials said that 49 of York’s coworkers and others who came within a 6-foot diameter of him were placed on antibiotics. As of Wednesday, they were still on medication, but none had become ill or displayed symptoms, officials said. Officials said York was most likely exposed to the plague when he performed an autopsy on a mountain lion that had been infected and most likely killed by it. York was the only person to come in contact with the dead mountain lion, according to officials.”
The thing is, they don’t say which plague it was. I am guessing they mean the bubonic plague, pictured below:
Which, while cute, isn’t as cuddly as the Ebola Virus plush toy:
I’m still waiting for this company of virus inspired plush toys to come up with one for my favourite disease: Marburg Virus! Which in itself is a perfectly damn good reason never to travel to Africa. Ever.
Surgeons in India began a marathon operation on Tuesday to save a two-year-old girl born with eight limbs….Some in Lakshmi’s poor village in the northern state of Bihar revere her as a goddess. “Everybody considers her a goddess at our village,” said Shambhu, who goes by one name. [Full article]
This is Lakshmi the child…
And this is Lakshmi the Goddess
Now, all I’m curious about is whether they had named her Lakshmi before or after she was born?
I don’t know what is more insane. This:
WASHINGTON (Nov. 7) – Millions of Chinese-made toys for children have been pulled from shelves in North America and Australia after scientists found they contain a chemical that converts into a powerful date rape drug when ingested. Two children in the U.S. and three in Australia were hospitalized after swallowing the beads. [Read the full article]
Or the insanity of a certain “Richard Mercurio” who is in obvious need of medication and whose comments on the original story seem to be insanity spam as per the following:
“Greetings all Rainbow Warriors of Faith around the world. Every day is interesting. For example I noticed today that a HUMAN COCKROACH WITH WET TAIL FROM HAVING EXPLOSIVE DIAHREA had cut the emergency brake line on my car. Oh, I’m so scared -NOT!! Eventually all of those HUMAN COCKROACHES who have either tried to hurt me or keep me away from my LEGAL AND BIOLOGICAL children will face REAL VENGEANCE. I will be nice an go visit them ONCE ONLY when they are finally where they belong, behind bars, unless they die first. It is unfortunate that these HUMAN COCKROACHES can’t take 30 seconds out of their EVIL LIVES and GOOGLE in SAVE THE COCKROACH BIBLE. Have a blessed day. Rich Mercurio – founder of Rainbow Warriors of Faith. “Faith Respect = Peace”. “In Deo Speramus”. 499 Dewey Avenue, Rochester ( Little Apple ), New York, 14613, United States of America. “
The world is insane. Most sane people are sane enough to know that that’s the truth. Well, what to do about it? Laugh, cry, protest, hop across Canada on one leg for cancer?
I originally though about starting a doom and gloom blog – something political, something expounding my problems with the insanity I see everywhere but I lost momentum because I thought I would be preaching to the converted and because things are already depressing enough as it is. So, like Figaro, I decided that it is better to laugh about it. Therefore, since I come across so many oddities and insanity each day, I will be posting about said insanities as they come in. Most will be odd, bizarre, funny and stupid, rarely will they be sad, and all will be certifiably insane, I guarantee.
“Nothing gives so strong an impression of infinity, the way stupidity does.”
-Odon von Horvath